By ROXY RETAIL
cactusiv(at)gmail.com

I don’t know if I’ve been watching too much Nashville Star lately or what, but it seems everywhere I turn, women are in cowboy hats.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been accompanying my friends to a couple country concerts this summer — I am the cute accessory for my friends, by the way; the cute accessory that sighs because no matter how cute Rodney Atkins is, I can’t get over that twang — and cowboy hats are easier to carry into the venue then a horse and lasso.

But it’s not just country crooners getting into the act. I’ve seen them everywhere I turn — stores, pictures of backyard barbecues. The only place I haven’t seen this khaki-colored accessory turn up is in my own closet — and that’s only because I’ve threatened to defriend anyone I know who leaves one of these hair ruiners in my house.

If you’re wearing this straw hat, then take it off, you’re going to end up with some sort of hat hair. Not as bas as a baseball cap, perhaps, but there’s a good chance a small curl will get stuck in one of the small holes and then you’ll be stuck to your hat.

Ye-haw. Sounds like it’ll hurt.

Sure, you can keep a brush nearby to tame your mane, but how about you leave the hat home and try some other Southern-fused accessory — like a large belt buckle. It works for the men and gives ladies an excuse to check out their, um, belt buckles.

By JIM MONTANA
jim.montana(at)hotmail.com

Sometimes things look better on paper then they are in actually. One of those things is the Cactus Football League. We have changed the CFL to work like this: Each person will be assigned an NFL team at random. If your team wins, you get one point; if they lose, you will lose one point. The person with the most points at the end of the season wins.

This is a lot less work for everyone involved, so hopefully that will help the CFL gain more interest.

There is still time to join. We will take names until each of the 32 NFL teams are assigned. So, act quickly!

by Jim Montana
jim.montana(at)hotmail.com

several weeks ago I was sitting down to enjoy one of my favorite things — a nice, hearty tomato sandwich — when the news cut in with a teaser about how something in my fridge could make me sick. After eating about half of my sandwich then I was told as to what the mystery item was: tomatoes. Great. So I sat for hours on end wondering if I was going to be sick.

Only last week was I told I could resume my sandwich eating habits, however if you blinked you missed the all clear that was given, only to be told that jalapeño peppers now were banned — screw this i’m going to start eating grass. The point I’m getting to — and yes I do have one — is this the government is quick (although in some cases not quick enough) to tell us that a certain food is dangerous to eat, however when it is deemed safe to eat that food’s name is not cleared. Only by word of mouth does that food get cleared of all stigma attached to it by our government. I take comfort in knowing that my government is watching out for me however it fails to tell me when I am safe.

Another classic example of this is the color coding system that was put in place after the attacks of 9/11. The government was quick to point out what days we were under a risk for attack, nowadays I have no idea what color we are under and nobody told me it was safe to fly.

Food can not speak for itself so when it is labeled as being bad it has to wear that stigma until somebody out there clears its name. I fully expect the Director of Homeland Security to reveal a new color coding system — only this time it will be for foods. Great just what we need — to be under a code orange for security and a code red for foods. If we get the two confused, we’ll be running around afraid to eat oranges and thinking the terrorist are certain to attack.

I beg of you my government, stop scaring us into being afraid to leave our houses or eat food. Is that what the Bush administration wants? To either drive us insane or for us to starve to death? Stop the insanity! For any readers older than 30, you understand what that means. For the rest of you, Google the name Susan Powter.

Until next time keep laughing because when you stop you end up with awkward silence.

By JIM MONTANA
jim.montana(at)hotmail.com

Let me start this column by saying after a hard few days, I have found my voice again to allow me to write again for the cactus. Anyone who has lost a parent knows the pain you feel, and while there were times that I contemplated leaving writing all together, it was my love for the people of the cactus that made me change my mind.

After the last two elections and the long Democratic nominating process, people close to Barrack Obama and John McCain disclosed the the two have agreed to a game of rock, paper, scissor to determine the next president. I know this sounds outrageous, but considering the options this one made the most sense The two candidates apparently had a conversation over the weekend and this was the topic. Initially Sen. Obama suggested a game of Twister but Sen. McCain expressed fears of dislocating his hip for the tenth time.

“People are sick of the election process they have lost faith in it,” Sen. McCain said at a event held in Death Valley on Tuesday. The two will square off on election night live on ABC in a two out of three contest. If there is still no clear winner, the election will be decided in sudden death during a duel that night. The WWE had offered for the two to square off in a steel cage however concerns arose about if McCain could in fact get into the ring or not.

By JAMES “TATTOO” CHAPRACKI
geocities.com/tattoospinstripipng

By MIA MOVIEFILM
cactusiv(at)gmail.com

I saw Hancock last weekend because the boyfriend wanted to see it. I wanted to see The Strangers but the closest theater playing it was a good 40 minutes away, so I settled.

I’m not the biggest fan of Will Smith… actually the only thing he has going for him is his ears (I like big ears). Actingwise, he was funny on Fresh Prince and stupid in everything he’s been in since. But hey that’s just my opinion. Boyfriend thinks he’s a great actor.

So anyway… we had a father and his two young kids sitting next to us in the movie, and within the first scene — because of the foul language, the man left the movie theatre with his kids. Really? Will Smith doesn’t curse in his songs but he’ll use all sorts of language in a superhero movie? I vaguely remember him attacking Eminem for his vulgarity and he goes to make a movie like this? Whatever. I also don’t find little kids cursing to be all that funny and this was all just the first scene of the movie. Now I don’t produce or direct movies but when they were reviewing this one the word stupid should have popped up throughout the movie.

I’m sounding a little mean. There were some good scenes, funny lines and touching lines (not touching your boyfriend lines, touching your heart lines). The end of the movie I decided IF I was going to recommend it… wait for it on video.

You wanna see a great movie? Go see Wanted. I haven’t seen a movie that good in a long while. Action is incredible and the story is good too. Plus Angelina Jolie is in it (that usually sells the movie).