cactus i.v.

So today we give the imaginary “Newsmaker of the Day” cactus to a Pittsburgh woman who sued Kmart.
If you go back a few weeks, you can see why I hate Kmart. So does that Pittsburgh woman.
See, Pennsylvania state law says that says that while paper products are taxable, toilet paper is not. Kmart is fascist […]

The cactus is getting a new feature in a couple hours. It’s going to be called “Newsmaker of the Day.”
Lisa’s going to read that day’s news [[at least, the news until 5 p.m.]] and at or about 6 p.m., we’ll claim someone the “Newsmaker of the Day.” We’ll give them a N.O.D. of a cactus, […]

By ROXY RETAIL
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
According to TMZ.com, [t]he term “brassiere” was coined 100 years ago by Vogue. Part of me thinks that I should devote a column to sizing up your bra, which — believe it or not, but it’s true — most women don’t know how to do. There are so many women out there wearing […]

By CAITLIN HANVEY
caitlinhanvey(at)gmail.com

of five
When I walked out of the new Coen Brothers film No Country For Old Men, my first instinct was to go back and see it again. This amazing film, adapted from the book by Cormac McCarthy, is essentially a thriller and yet it surpasses that simplistic description. It […]

By ANDREW STEEVES
steeves(at)uwm.edu
Black Friday was a giant let down. After what I’ve seen on the news in past years, I was expecting riots, brutal consumer violence, perhaps a burning Santa effigy or something. Nope, none of that. Sure, it got a little busy at times, but by and large it wasn’t […]

By JIM MONTANA
jim.montana(at)hotmail.com
On a personal note: First let me say that I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Second let me apologize right now for what could be sub-Jim Montana quality of this week’s column. This past Thursday, I lost a true inspiration in my life: My Grandmother finally lost her fight […]

By SOOZ
yanxchick(at)gmail.com
The debate on online gambling rages in Congress even as I type this. Lawmakers are trying to decide if legalizing Internet gambling is the right thing to do since it was outlawed a year ago.
People are still playing poker online. I still play poker online, but advocates out there are trying to make it […]

By ATARI JAY
dearatari(at)gmail.com
I called Jenni, a girl who I had met at a firehouse party not too long before, and she invited me out for drinks later that night. I had three hours to get ready and an empty stomach. I had been living in Westchester County for about a month and the most I’d […]

By JAMES “TATTOO” CHAPRACKI
geocities.com/tattoospinstriping
The guy asked for a rose — he got a tiger. At least, that’s how tattoos usually go.

By TY FREER
ty_freer(at)yahoo.com
Over the Thanksgiving holiday, my fiance, parents and I were in Memphis. While in the 8th-most dangerous city in America (according to CQ Press, a unit of Congressional Quarterly Inc), we dediced to take in a Grizzlies game. We got to the game an hour ahead of gametime, soley so I could run […]

My friend Keri says, “Tis easier to be mad at someone than to miss them.”
Okay, she doesn’t say “tis.” She might admit to be a little wacky at times, but she would never admit to using the word “tis.” It just sounds better that way, more quote-worthy, I guess.
I don’t know if she’s really right, […]

By JEREMY VAN CISE
jerv23325(at)yahoo.com
[[Ed’s note: Meet Jeremy, our newest columnist. Let me move out of the way, so he can introduce himself]]
I suppose this is the part where I introduce myself and let you know a little bit about the person behind this column. So, let’s get all the fine details out of the way.
My […]

By LISA SOKOLOWSKI
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
You may still be stuffed with turkey from Thursday. It’s all fill yourself with as much bird as possible, it seems.
I had some, sure, but I’m not a fan of turkey. I’m a fan of chicken. But you know who likes chicken — and not in a deep friend KFC way — more […]

By DA SOUTHERN
dasouthern(at)gmail.com
You know, with all of the hub-bub about the writers strike, believe it or not, we are going to have some choices here after the holidays. As I have said before, the Christmas season is chocked full of special programming anyway, so to judge our supposed loss at […]

By DIZZ TATE
dizztate(at)hotmail.com
Okay, so we all know that bronzer can either be the ultimate tool or the ultimate disaster. Shimmering, beautiful, tanned skin is bound to be the talk of the night, but, then again, so is the girl who looks like an Oompa Loompa.
Not nice.
Now, for me, I have always been a little afraid […]

By LANIE PIMENTEL
petunia5045(at)gmail.com
Fat Thursday has passed. After offering out as many doggie bags to guests as you can, you are still stuck with a refrigerator full of leftovers, what is there to do?
I am one to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner again on Friday for lunch, this I admit, but after that I am ready for […]

By BEN SZMANDA
If you’ve read any of Paul Auster’s books, you have a pretty good idea of what to expect when you pick another one up. This is not necessarily a bad thing: There is a difference between a writer who plays with a set group of themes and one that writes formula books. […]

By REESE WRIGHT
jrwrightxiii(at)yahoo.com
Okay folks, it’s time for part two of how to properly check on the engine of your car. In part one we discussed how to notice and what to do with the fluids of the vehicle. Here we will be taking a look at the more solid aspects and what to do with […]

By ROXY RETAIL
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
A few weeks ago, NBC had green week. Basically, the new episodes of each show had nothing to do with recycling — except Scrubs because, I don’t know, Zach Braff is totally in tune with the environment. I mean, look at how his hair is au natural. He doesn’t use hair spray at […]

We at the cactus want to wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving.
We also want to wish Jim Montana a very happy birthday.
So, eat some turkey for the holiday, cake for Jim’s birthday and spend tomorrow on the couch, reading up on cactus columns you may have missed!

By ANDREW STEEVES
steeves(at)uwm.com
Well, tomorrow is Black Friday, an event that has long passed me by unnoticed, save for the rather uninteresting news reports telling tales of pre-Christmas carnage. I am not really a shopper. True, I can happily wile away the hours inside a Game Stop or a Best Buy, but […]

By JIM MONTANA
jim.montana(at)hotmail.com
Greetings from Montana: This week’s column will be larger than normal because it has been two weeks, and I have a lot to say.
First let me take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. That being said it’s not too late to send me those birthday presents. […]

By ATARI JAY
dearatari(at)gmail.com
Three sessions with Eddie and he was gone — with my sweatshirt, come to think of it. What people consider a date, I prefer to label as a “session.” I feel that the word date romanticizes the idea of two people meeting for coffee. After the way things ended with Eddie I refuse […]

By JAMES “TATTOO” CHAPRACKI
geocities.com/tattoospinstriping
It reminds me of a grasshopper.

By TY FREER
ty_freer(at)yahoo.com
Watching the Colts/Chargers game go down to the wire two Sunday nights ago, I was reveling in witnessing my beloved Ponies creep closer to the end zone and coming within sheer yards of taking a last-minute lead in a game they deserved to win as much as A-Rod getting BINGO in an old […]

I know people read things, and they say, “Oh my gosh, that made me cry.” But they didn’t really cry. It was just touching and sweet.
And people type “lol,” but they’re usually not laughing out loud, and I don’t know anyone who has rolled on the floor from laughing so hard at an IM.
But this, […]

By LISA SOKOLOWSKI
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
My brother thinks it’s hilarious to poke fun at the fact that my favorite genre of music is also the favorite of middle schoolers.
It’s partially true.
My other brother and three of his friends came to my apartment once because a country concert was playing nearby. We were in the car afterwards when one […]

…Well, I guess they still say it, but maybe not.
By DA SOUTHERN
dasouthern(at)gmail.com
What have we got going in TV land this week? Oh yes, that nasty little strike is still playing havoc on our viewing schedules… or will be soon. Most of the programs had enough episodes to get them through the holidays. […]

By LANIE PIMENTEL
petunia5045(at)gmail.com
There is nothing that brings excitement to my heart more than to hear the word, fondue. According to our old friend, Wikipedia, Fondue refers to Swiss communal dishes shared at the table in an Earthenware pot over a small flame. The term fondue comes from the French fondre […]

Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to your favorite e-i-c.
Happy birthday to me.

By REESE WRIGHT
jrwrightxiii(at)yahoo.com
I was at work a few days ago when I heard one of my fellow employees say something that literally made my mouth drop. We were in the break room, discussing about car check ups, and she stated, “Oh I always let the service guys do that. I never check my oil.”I began […]

By BEN SZMANDA
Madison Smartt Bell has garnered some notice for his “All Souls Rising” series about the Haitian revolution. He should, but his other work needs some attention too. Go check out his 1993 book Save Me, Joe Louis. Not only can he write about revolution in Haiti, but he can write convincingly […]

By CAITLIN HANVEY
caitlinhanvey(at)gmail.com
Danish director Susan Bier specializes in portraying ordinary people in stressful situations. Her past films, Open Hearts and Brothers, both deal with the breakdown of relationships and family dramas, and After The Wedding (2006) is no exception. The amazing thing is that Bier is able to take a melodramatic plot and infuse it […]

By ROXY RETAIL
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
The winter is upon us, which means if you don’t want to get sick, you better stay warm.
And what better way to do it than a pea coat?
It’s such a standard. No matter what happens in the fashion world — ever — the pea coat will stand the test of time. Kind of […]

By ANDREW STEEVES
steeves(at)uwm.edu
There are a lot of great games that have been released this week, among them, Assassin’s Creed and Super Mario Galaxy.
Unfortunately, the time between their release and the deadline for this review is so short that I wasn’t able to play them thoroughly enough to write a good review. Next week, I have […]

By ATARI JAY
dearatari(at)gmail.com
It was Sunday morning, and I was awake at eight. Alone in my bed, I wondered if last night really happened. And yes I was alone, even in my drunkest state of mind I knew there was no coming back from taking a bartender home. I threw clothes on, and I was out […]

By MELODY
MyMelody4U(at)gmail.com
This is supposed to be the time of year for family, a time where, without reservation, you show the one you love how much they mean to you. Now that’s not to say that all the other days of the year you are supposed to be cruel or inattentive, however this is the time […]

By SUSAN LULGJURAJ
yanxchick(at)gmail.com
Poker is a game I love. I love the thought process. I love the camaraderie. I love the whole idea of outsmarting your opponent.
If this is all there was to it, poker would be amazing. However, there are others that determine the outcome and I am not talking about results.
Dealers and other players […]

By JAMES “TATTOO” CHAPRACKI
geocities.com/tattoospinstriping

By TY FREER
ty_freer(at)yahoo.com
32. Miami Dolphins (0-9): If they go “defeated” (0-16), does it single-handedly cancel out their perfect 1972 season?
31. New York Jets (1-8): Still trying to think of something to say about them…
30. San Fran 49ers (2-6): Could be worse for the Bay Area, I mean, what if Oakland was […]

By LISA SOKOLOWSKI
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
Those who were expecting Silverchair’s first album in five years to be reminiscent of anything the band has done before will be confused.
The Aussie trio doesn’t do the same thing twice.
Young Modern, released in July, is nothing like Frogstomp, the band’s debut. Sure, that album was released over a decade ago — and […]

Lute Olson is taking a leave of absence from coaching the University of Arizona’s mens basketball team.
The 73-year-old was quoted by the Associated Press saying, “For the past 25 years, I have always given 110 percent to the team and this job,” Olson said.
Here’s the thing: No matter how many years you’ve been coaching, you […]

By DA SOUTHERN
dasouthern(at)gmail.com
Okay, so you would expect that your intrepid cactus television columist, DA, would be all about the strike this week. Well, yes, a little bit, I assure you. However, I am going to take a look at some of the different angles and, yes, there was interesting stuff in TV land […]

By DIZZ TATE
dizztate(at)hotmail.com
Okay, so one thing that everyone knows is the pain of having a cold. And when you’re on the street, and don’t have three billion dollar magic foundation made of only the finest oats and wheat grass, then you usually end up with a big red nose, spotty skin, big watery eyes and […]

By LANIE PIMENTEL
petunia5045(at)gmail.com
An apple a day can do more than keep the doctor away. They can ensure hours of hours of fun and delicious apple-ey treats!
And since apples are good pretty much year round, go to sleep knowing that there is never an apple treat far away from consumption.
Apple harvest […]

By JAMES WRIGHT
jrwrightxiii(at)yahoo.com
[[Ed.’s note: Just wanted to let everyone know that this is James’ first automotive column — and, no, this is not James our artist, just to keep your heads on straight. This James is going to be writing columns each and every Saturday, so make him feel welcome.]]
With today’s soaring gas prices, owning […]

By BEN SZMANDA
‘It’s a Wellington thing—it’s a student thing,” said Victoria rapidly, coming up on her elbows. It’s shorthand for when we say, like, Professor Simeon’s class is “the tomatoes nature versus the tomatoes nurture”, And Jane Colman’s class is “ to properly understand the tomato you must first uncover the tomato’s suppressed Herstory—she’s […]

By CAITLIN HANVEY
caitlinhanvey(at)gmail.com

of five
[[Ed.’s note: Caitlin is our new movie reviewer. This is her first week taking over for Michelle L.]]
While it is hard for anybody (besides the Sudanese government) to deny the genocide currently occurring in the region of Darfur in the Sudan, what is not hard is for many in the western world […]

By TYLER DURDEN’S STALKER
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
This is the week for celebrities to announce they’re pregnant — which is basically Hollywood’s way of assuming that fans have no eyes or common sense (which, when you think about the crap that comes out of that state often, the latter might be true).
So Christina Aguilera, who has always been slim, […]

By ROXY RETAIL
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
Bluefly’s slogan is “the ultimate hook-up for the fashion obsessed.”
Do I believe it? No. But do believe they’re pushing a good product this winter? You bet I do.
The store’s big thing right now is the sweater dress.
Remember my disdain for the sack dress? Well, this is like it’s hipper, trendier cousin.
The sweater dress […]

By ANDREW STEEVES
steeves@uwm.edu
[[Ed.’s note: You’re going to see a couple of these Editor’s notes in the next few weeks. We’ve got a few new columns, beginning with this video game column, which you’ll see every Thursday.]]
And the debate rages on. Sparked by the recent release of Manhunt 2, parents everywhere (led by the […]

By JIM MONTANA
jim.montana(at)hotmail.com
Notes from the edge: Ahh fall, that time of the year where temperatures take a plunge and new opportunities present themselves. I’m talking about the news I received last week. A newspaper in Pennsylvania gave me a call, informing me that they would like to hire me for a columnist […]

By ATARI JAY
dearatari(at)gmail.com
It was 3 a.m., and I was drunk and alone. The situation would have potentially kicked my butt a few years back, but I was 21 now.
I left a firehouse party and took nearly an hour to find the only bar in the next 30 miles. Honestly, I in no way encourage drunk […]

By Melody
MyMelody4U(at)gmail.com
When you are in a relationship, you sometimes have to be cautious of what you say. You may be totally head over heels in love with that person, but sometimes words can get in the way and make the person question your motives.
This past weekend a group of my friends went to a bar […]

By JAMES “TATTOO” CHAPRACKI
geocities.com/tattoospinstriping

By TY FREER
ty_freer(at)yahoo.com
Continuing from last week, the following are my Bestern Conference predictions as well as my pick for the 2007-08 NBA Champ. Keep in mind that although the East got better over the summer, they are still the Dunkin’ Donuts to the West’s Krispy Kreme.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
Northwest Division

Denver Nugs: […]

For three weeks last month, you could get free candy at Kmart.
Well, for almost three weeks. And almost free.
The Big K had an Internet-only coupon that offered free candy. The rest of that sentence should read “up to a $2.79 value,” but it was actually at at $2.79 value. If the candy was less than […]

Photo Credit: Jeanne Shaw
By LISA SOKOLOWSKI
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
The kids of today don’t need to know every hit song from yesteryear, but they should know the big ones, the songs that shaped generations.
Listening to classic rock stations won’t give that kind of education because it’ll throw in the junk, too.
Save yourself the trouble, and pick up Shaw Blades’ […]

By LANIE PIMENTEL
petunia5045(at)gmail.com
[[Ed.’s note: If Lanie’s name looks familiar — but maybe out of place — that’s because she was our regular In The Workplace writer, but now she’s replaced Michelle Riccardi as our food and drink writer. This is her first regular food and drink column — she did guest once — so wish […]

By DA SOUTHERN
dasouthern(at)gmail.com
I was under the impression that this week would be quiet in TV land, and we would all just settle in to our favorite shows as we took care of the little trick ‘r treaters. I was wrong! There were some interesting tidbits that I think you might find fascinating.
First, there […]

Dear Niki -
I went out on Halloween, and I got drunk. I met a girl who I thought was beautiful. It was a mix of beer goggles and alcohol, for sure. We spent the night together, and the next morning, she went to wash her face. When she came back, I was yearning for the […]

By BEN SZMANDA
He doesn’t get the credit he deserves, but Belgium’s King Leopold II should be on any list of major 20th century monsters. Under his management, the Congo saw as many as 15 million people killed by starvation, over exhaustion, disease and outright murder — all related to the King’s brutal rubber mining […]

By MICHELLE L.
satine81(at)gmail.com

of five
Black Snake Moan (2007) is a tale about how pain can bring two people together.
Christina Ricci (of The Addams Family and Penelope) plays Rae, a nymphomaniac who goes out of control when her boyfriend Ronnie (Justin Timberlake of Alpha Dog and Shrek the Third) leaves her to go into the […]

By TYLER DURDEN’S STALKER
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
Do I know who Dog the Bounty Hunter is? No.
Do I know what a racist is? Yes.
Is Dog the Bounty Hunter a racist? Well, that’s the question going around the celebrity gossip world this week.
Dog — known as Duane Chapman — apparently has a son. And his son is old enough to […]

By ROXY RETAIL
cactusiv(at)gmail.com
Urban Outfitters is trying to convince me that vests are in right now. One of us is living in a parallel untrendy universe, and my money is on UO.
If you’re a cop, you can wear a vest. I mean, those are bullet proof and protect your lives. The ones UO are trying to […]

The cactus turns one a week from tomorrow, which is huge. It’s very exciting for us here.
This month’s contest is in honor of our birthday. Pen us a birthday poem. It can be simple, but bonus points will be given if it rhymes. You get an entire month to write it, and the winner will […]

By JIM MONTANA
jim.montana(at)yahoo.com
Ramblings from a Madman: This week I found some interesting little news nuggets to share with you. First up, in his soon to be released book The Terrorist Watch: Inside the Desperate Race to Stop the Next Attack, author Ronald Kessler writes […]